What Is Love? Unconscious Fantasies and the Couple’s Capacity for Intimate and Mature Love

Issues in relationships can be a sign of unresolved internal conflicts—a burden carried from childhood. However, calmness in relationships can also indicate internal issues within the couple. The difference is that those experiencing conflict usually seek help through individual or couple therapy, whilst those in calm relationships may live in oblivion or denial.

But what do relationship issues—conflicts, incompatibilities, a sense of staleness, boredom, lack of passion, or even an inability to sustain a relationship—have to do with love? And what kind of love is 'real'—what kind of love is mature and adult—as opposed to infantile infatuation or pathological dependency?

Whilst the question of mature love may intuitively lead one to believe that there is one ultimate answer, the reality is far more complex. This suggests that a panacea is far from existent when it comes to the troubles of love; however, this doesn't stipulate that we should refrain from finding some answers.

What we often see—if not predominantly—when working with relationship issues in psychotherapy with individuals and couples, is that the majority of discontent in relationships, conflicts that occur, or other difficulties, such as an inability to find the right partner, have little or nothing to do with the actual reality. The issues are not set in the present and the reality of the situation, but rather form a consistent and persistent pattern of re-enactments of the person's internal issues within the couple or with their dating partners.

The members of the couple, therefore, each engage in the relationship seeing and experiencing the other through the lens of their unconscious perception of self and other, and the associated fantasies. The other person is not perceived fully for who they are, but rather for who the perceiver makes them out to be.

How Does an Unconscious Fantasy Develop?

The development of unconscious fantasy is multilayered and complex, with various perspectives to consider. Here, I'll focus on elements relevant to distinguishing between love and infantile fantasies in romantic relationships. I've written more extensively about unconscious fantasy development and its impact on romantic relationships elsewhere, so I'll here briefly describe the term and how it develops and affects relationships.

Our engagement in adult romantic relationships—and other close relationships—is largely determined by our childhood experiences of close relationships, primarily with caregivers, and the attachment patterns we developed then. This includes not only our experience of relationships between our parents but, most importantly, the experience of the relationships they had with us as children.

Development of Coherent Sense of Self and the Capacity for Emotionally Intimate Relationships

If our experience of early relationships was adequate, safe and fulfilling of our developmental needs, we will form a secure adult attachment. This enables us to engage in adult relationships securely and confidently, and develop self-esteem, self-confidence, and a coherent sense of self and self-worth.

When our developmental needs are met by our parents, with adequate guidance and support, and the parent-child relationship focuses on fulfilling our needs as a child rather than the parent's needs, our sense of self flourishes. A parental relationship where the parent acknowledges the child's needs, soothes them in distress, processes negative feelings with them, and provides guidance and support will result in a coherent sense of self and the child developing the capacity to meet their needs as an adult.

As the child's developmental needs—such as being acknowledged, guided, recognised, loved, and having their love accepted by the parent—are met, the capacity to have their needs met is internalised and no longer dependent on others. The early developmental needs cease to exist, and unconscious fantasies of having them met do not develop.

Such individuals usually develop a secure attachment style and engage in relationships with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. They see others as they are—real—rather than as extensions of themselves or projections. For instance, during the dating stage, these individuals will not engage in infatuation and idealisation, or harbour paranoid fears of being hurt by the other person.

Disruptions to the Development of Identity, the Lack of Intimacy in Relationships, and the Unconscious Fantasy

Conversely, when a child's needs are not met or they experience adverse or even traumatic events, the fulfilment of their inherent developmental needs is disrupted.

Various forms of disruption can occur in a child's need fulfilment, leading to the creation of unconscious fantasies. The following are the most severe examples; however, we must emphasise that unconscious fantasies related to ideal partners or relationships can develop in much less severe circumstances—those that one might regard as completely normal.

Parentification

Parentification is a phenomenon whereby the caregiver, rather than meeting the child's inherent developmental needs, neglects the child and imposes their own needs on them. For instance, a mother with abandonment fears may cling to her child, developing a relationship more akin to romantic partners than parent and child. By clinging to the child, the mother mitigates her fear of being alone. The child is thus trained to meet the parent's needs and neglect their own. Parentification is a form of trauma and child abuse; however, because it is often underpinned by cultural elements, it may go unnoticed or be normalised, which makes it no less traumatic for the victim.

The child experiencing the trauma of parentification will usually develop long-lasting negative impacts on their personality. Their identity and sense of self-worth will normally depend on meeting others' needs. Should they fail to do so, fears of abandonment and worthlessness may emerge.

One of the significant effects of parentification on the development of the unconscious fantasy is that a person may develop a fantasy that, once they meet all the needs of their loved ones, their own needs will be met. This usually means that the person will engage in relationships where their needs are chronically unmet; however, their fantasy will be that, once their romantic partner is satisfied, the individual will also be seen, acknowledged, recognised, and have their needs met. This day, unfortunately, never comes, introducing disappointment and resentment into the relationship.

Early-Life Relational Trauma or Being a Victim of Child Abuse

A person may find themselves engaged in an abusive relationship, often making excuses for the abuser and blaming themselves. Alternatively, they may move from one relationship to another, only to be continuously abused.

This process usually stems from a person's unconscious attachment to trauma and abuse, which also accounts for some of the most prominent unconscious fantasies in adult life.

How does this attachment to abuse develop?

In cases of early relational trauma—especially if inflicted by a parent—the child's survival depends on the abusive caregiver. The very person who represents the threat also represents the prospect of survival. Consequently, the child must make sense of attaching to the caregiver to survive, whilst the caregiver is simultaneously abusive, inflicting trauma and posing a threat. To resolve this paradox, the child begins to perceive themselves as 'bad' which helps them see the abusive parent as 'good'.

The internal rationalisation that occurs subconsciously is along the lines of: "Surely, I must be bad if I am abused because my parent is good. If I manage to be good, my parent will stop abusing me and become good as well." In other words, the child rationalises that the parent is abusive because of the child’s badness. This, on one hand, absolves the parent of badness and attributes it to the child, causing them to develop a sense of inherent unworthiness and inadequacy—which may be kept entirely out of consciousness—and defends against it by trying to please the parent to prevent abuse.

However, on the other hand, the child's adoption of a sense of badness allows them to feel in control of the abusive parent. The child develops a perception that by being good, the parent will transform from an abuser into an ideal loving parental figure.

How does this relate to the development of an unconscious fantasy? The process described above is re-enacted in the individual's adult relationships, which is underpinned by the chase for the fantasy. For instance, the unconscious fantasy that an individual may pursue is: "If only I manage to be the best partner and meet my partner's needs, I can bring out the best in them and they will finally love, see, and accept me for who I am."

Experience of the Parent's Lack of Involvement or Neglect

People who experienced a lack of parental attention, involvement, or even neglect in childhood often develop a perception of themselves as unimportant, unseen, and ultimately left to their own devices.

When referring to uninvolvement and neglect, this does not necessarily mean complete neglect of the child. Rather, we refer to emotional and psychological neglect whereby a parent may interact with the child without seeing them for who they are; not meeting the child's needs, but being completely invested in their own worlds, leaving the child feeling disconnected and unappreciated. Such individuals often grow into excessively self-sufficient adults, but underneath remain overly dependent on others, which they may not even be aware of.

Because uninvolved parenting results in the child feeling unseen, this often causes the individual to develop an unconscious fantasy of needing to meet the parent's needs—whatever those needs were—to feel seen. Such individuals, whilst presenting with a high degree of self-sufficiency, autonomy, and independence, will also engage in relationships where they attempt to rescue, save, and take care of others to gain their appreciation.

The unconscious fantasy is that by meeting their romantic partner's needs, they will be seen, appreciated, and noticed. In adulthood, such individuals usually engage in relationships they experience as unfulfilling and in which they perceive their partners as unappreciative or neglectful. Their partners may be more invested in other relationships—often their family of origin or their parents—perpetuating the feeling of neglect. Their involvement in such unfulfilling relationships is underpinned by the hope that if they only try hard enough, their partner will finally see and appreciate them. There will often be an internal conflict present between giving up on their partner and trying a little harder to change them.

Growing Up with Narcissistic or Dependent Parents

A child's experience of growing up with a narcissistic or dependent parent may be similar to that of neglectful parenting. This is because a narcissistic parent will struggle to see the child as an individual—the child's personhood and needs will be overlooked. Instead, the parent will view the child as an extension of themselves and as a means to meet their own psychological needs.

As the narcissistic parent expects the child to fulfil their needs, the child will experience themselves as an object for the parent's gratification. They will likely develop a pathological attachment to the parent—linked by an umbilical cord of mutual dependency. The child's existence will revolve around the parent's needs, and failure in this role may evoke fears of rejection, shame, selfishness, self-loathing, and even fears of parental retaliation.

Children of narcissistic parents often develop an unconscious fantasy that by being 'the best version of themselves', they can gain their parent's approval and finally be seen for who they are. Unfortunately, this often involves completely suppressing their authentic needs and feelings, and submitting entirely to the parent. This can lead to deep confusion about their own identity, needs, aspirations, passions, meaning and purpose. To escape this confusion, they remain loyal to the parent, experiencing the threat of rejection as ultimate abandonment and exile into the unknown.

In adult relationships, such individuals often replicate their unconscious fantasies, attempting to gratify their often narcissistic partner's needs to feel seen. In this process, they put up with being controlled, objectified, and manipulated in the relationship, tolerating this only to avoid abandonment.

Unlike those who grew up with neglectful parents, individuals who were victims of their parent's narcissistic abuse tend to develop a narcissistic side themselves—a side that remains far out of their awareness. This means that whilst they may completely submit to their romantic partner's needs, in other—predominantly social relationships—they may engage with a sense of entitlement and superiority in having their needs met, which they may enforce through manipulation and objectification of others.

Experience of Authoritarian Parenting

Authoritarian parenting is characterised by excessive control of the child. It is often punitive and marked by rigid rules that must be obeyed. While culturally rationalised as 'boundaried parenting', it paradoxically causes children to develop a lack of boundaries due to its highly controlling nature.

A child experiencing controlling parenting with little room for self-expression, autonomy, and individuality tends to perceive the parent's excessive control as both the child’s own incompetence and a demand to meet the parent's needs unquestioningly.

Adults who experienced authoritarian parenting often exhibit two distinct patterns in romantic relationships. Some engage in controlling relationships, often with narcissistic partners who are insecure and controlling. The unconscious fantasy is that by pleasing and appeasing their partner, the latter will become more comfortable, cease controlling behaviour, and transform into a loving, accepting partner.

Conversely, others seek highly dependent partners, representing an antithesis to their parental experience. However, this often reveals the individual's own need to control the relationship and fear of abandonment. These dependent partners are regarded as 'impotent', contrasting with the 'potency' of their authoritarian parent's critical or punitive side.

Individuals who experienced punitive control as children often perceive control as a manifestation of their partner's love and care. Their unconscious rationale is: "If they want to control me, they care and won't abandon me". Unfortunately, this can lead to relationships with partners who are excessively dependent on their family of origin, resulting in insufficient attention to the romantic relationship. Additionally, dependent individuals may not resort to overt controlling behaviour, which may be perceived as a lack of investment in the relationship by someone who experienced excessive control as a child.

The Unconscious Fantasy and Romantic Relationships

We can see from the examples above how early adverse, traumatic experiences that violated a child's individuality may result in the child remaining emotionally and psychologically stuck. The parent's inability to meet the child's needs, validate their autonomy, and promote their need to separate may cause the child to carry this yearning into the future.

A child who felt unseen may strive for validation throughout their life. One who felt controlled may grow up both seeking and resenting control from others. A child raised by a narcissistic or dependent parent may yearn for freedom, only to realise that freedom also brings a sense of loneliness.

When such traumatic experiences are not adequately processed through psychotherapy, an individual often remains oblivious that their discontent in romantic relationships stems from themselves rather than the relationship, and that they are re-creating their early traumatic experiences in their present life.

This is why, for instance, a person with a history of controlling, punitive, or even abusive parenting will feel unloved, unseen, and unappreciated if their partner is not attempting to control them or if their partner has no needs that the individual can meet to feel worthy. Such an individual will struggle to sustain an adult, mature relationship because the lack of control will also increase feelings of abandonment. They cannot appreciate their partner’s individuality or endure the fact that their partner is in the relationship because they want to be, not because someone is meeting their needs.

When Mature Adult Love and the Unconscious Fantasy Collide and the Impact of Psychotherapy on Relationships

Because unconscious fantasies are unconscious, one is unaware that what causes their relationship issues, creates bonds, or merely colours their experience is the fantasy rather than mature adult love.

As such, one may engage in multiple relationships, only to end up feeling unfulfilled, unseen, rejected, engulfed, or used and abused. Or they may experience infatuation, only to realise they end up disappointed each time. Similarly, relationships based on fantasies may also be long-term, where a couple experiences the same conflict repeatedly, thinking each time it is caused by something practical, without awareness of the deeper roots.

Unconscious fantasies may also be the primary cause for a person to end up alone, unable to connect and sustain a long-term romantic relationship.

Couples who have undergone at least part of this journey—either in individual or couple therapy—usually become aware of their unconscious fantasies and how these play out in the relationship. Even if the internal conflicts causing them are not fully resolved, the couple may still develop a capacity where each member sees the other as a separate individual and engages in a meaningful relationship.

The capacity for mature adult love is not an absence of an unconscious fantasy. It is not a utopian state where one has dealt with past traumas and violations to such an extent that unconscious fantasies completely diminish. Adult mature love is the ability to hold and contain fantasies, acknowledging they are part of oneself without imposing them on one's partner. Mature love is when a person can withstand the frustration of their partner not being who they want them to be—a partner they deeply want to change—and simultaneously acknowledge that these fantasies have nothing to do with their partner. Love is when the person can step back and contain their infantile unmet needs stemming from childhood, while engaging with their partner in an emotionally intimate, non-transactional manner.

Ales Zivkovic, MSc (TA Psych), CTA(P), PTSTA(P), Psychotherapist, Counsellor, Supervisor

Ales Zivkovic is a psychotherapist, counsellor, and clinical supervisor. He holds an MSc in Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy awarded by Middlesex University in London. He is also a Provisional Teaching and Supervising Transactional Analyst (PTSTA-P) and a Certified Transactional Analyst in the field of Psychotherapy (CTA-P). Ales gained extensive experience during his work with individuals and groups in the UK National Health Service (NHS) and his private psychotherapy, counselling, and clinical supervision practice in central London, UK. He was also a member of the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP). Ales works with individuals, couples, and groups. In clinical setting, he especially focuses on the treatment of issues of childhood trauma, personality disorders, and relationship issues. A large proportion of his practice involves online psychotherapy as he works with clients from all over the world. Ales developed a distinct psychotherapeutic approach called interpretive dynamic transactional analysis psychotherapy (IDTAP). More about Ales, as well as how to reach him, can be found here.