The Narcissist’s Distorted Perception of How Others See Them

Listening to a narcissistic individual talk about their sexual encounters with a never-ending line of romantic partners reveals the obvious—something that many psychotherapists would not be surprised about—that their partners are often treated as objects of instant physical and emotional gratification.

Often, the less conscious part of these typically narcissistic encounters is the narcissistic individual’s complete oblivion to the fact that their romantic partners are using them in much the same way as they are using their partners—as objects of gratification and without any need or intent for a close and intimate romantic connection. While they may think they are using others, in reality, they are often the ones being used.

This example illustrates what is common with individuals presenting with narcissism, especially those of the grandiose subtype. They often completely dissociate large chunks of reality and go through their lives oblivious to how others experience and see them. Not only that, they will also tend to engage in relationships where they are used, exploited, and objectified.

The Narcissist's Skewed Perception of Relationships

The Narcissist's Experience of Themselves and Others

It is well known that narcissists defend against their internal experience of inadequacy, vulnerability, shame and impotence by pushing these feelings into the unconscious through grandiosity, omnipotence and the need for admiration from others. This helps narcissists feel better about themselves. To achieve this, they discount large chunks of reality about who they really are, allowing them to see and experience themselves as someone they wish to be.

For instance, a narcissist may unconsciously feel threatened by their romantic partner's beauty and intelligence. To mitigate the risk of feeling inadequate in their relationship, the narcissist may try to control, manipulate and overpower their partner. If they fail to do so, and their partner retains independence and their own mind, the narcissist may become conscious of their perceived inadequacy and fear of abandonment or rejection. This may result in aggression, rage or an increased need for control, rather than vulnerability, shame and fear, which underpin the aggression.

It is thus well established that narcissists attempt to maintain their self-image by denying others' individuality, seeing them as objects, and manipulating, exploiting and using them as things rather than humans.

The Narcissist's Perception of How Others Experience Them

However, it is somewhat less known that narcissists also tend to discount and overlook much of the reality about how others perceive them. They may have a perception that others see them in a certain way—perhaps slightly idealised or even as somewhat narcissistic and arrogant—yet they will hardly be in touch with the full extent of how they are really perceived.

Because of this, honest feedback from others can be challenging for the narcissist—a blow to their over-inflated yet fragile self-esteem. To cope with the pain caused by the feedback, denial often sets in, and the narcissist may dismiss and not take the feedback seriously. Rage often accompanies the denial.

In relationships, particularly during the dating stage, I have often, as a psychotherapist, observed the vast gap between the narcissist's internal perception of how they assumed they were seen by others and how they actually seem to have been perceived.

For instance, a person who treated women that he was dating as objects purely for sexual gratification would engage in sexual relationships solely to feel recognised, wanted, and needed. Through these encounters, he would gain a sense of importance and recognition. He would also escape a deep-rooted sense of impotence and powerlessness, which was unconscious for him at the time. The sole purpose of his compulsive sexual relationships was to maintain his fragile self-esteem. He would, after the first sexual experience, rarely see the women again as that would evoke feelings of boredom, mediocrity, weakness, and dependency—the feelings he despised.

Nevertheless, some women seemed different to him. He would become infatuated with them—like a little boy falling in love for the first time. Before he knew it, he would be daydreaming about a romantic relationship where he would live an ideal life with an ideal partner. Often, however, these women would not show interest in committing, often even ghosting him, leaving him hurt and puzzled. It was only in therapy that he realised that the women he was choosing and idealising were treating him exactly as he was treating them. They clearly saw the narcissist in him, which led them to view him not as a person, but as an object—an object for gratifying his romantic partners’ own narcissistic needs.

However, there seems to be a discrepancy between what some psychological research shows and what we see in clinical settings. For instance, Carlson et al. (2011) indicate that narcissists are aware that they are perceived less favourably by others than they perceive themselves and that they tend to have some insight into their narcissistic qualities. However, whilst this is true, the extent of their insight into how they are perceived is severely underappreciated and discounted.

As such, while a narcissist may have some insight into, for instance, their arrogance and self-admiration, they might still believe that others tend to be lenient towards these negative traits and generally understanding of them. In reality, the narcissistic individual may actually be perceived with disdain and contempt.

Similarly, they tend to underappreciate the effect that their lack of empathy has on others. This lack of empathy often repels others, causing narcissists to engage in relationships with people who may themselves be attracted to toxic relationships—those who use and exploit others, perhaps due to their own underlying traumas.

Drawn to Being Exploited, Used, and Objectified

Because of their craving for glory, adoration and validation, narcissists tend to gravitate towards relationships where they surround themselves with people who relate to them based on their grandiosity, omnipotence and other superficial qualities, rather than through intimacy, empathy and emotional closeness. Consequently, narcissists recreate for themselves the very type of relationships they offer to others—being objectified, used, exploited and treated as mere objects. Grandiose narcissists will often tend to experience this in romantic relationships where they end up being used.

However, while exploitation and objectification are most evident with grandiose narcissists, the phenomenon is also common among vulnerable or fragile narcissists. The latter often engage in relationships as saviours and martyrs. On a conscious level, they may perceive themselves as caretakers, caring for everyone's needs, and may be perceived by others as such as well. However, underneath lies the fragility of their self-esteem that needs the admiration of others, along with their dependency on others. Vulnerable narcissists hence tend to engage in relationships where taking care of others and acting as saviours and rescuers is merely a defence against abandonment, loneliness, and a lack of admiration.

As they save and take care of others, they will, however, not be aware of the exploitative and manipulative nature of their relationships. Whilst a vulnerable narcissist may help people around them and be overly committed to them, they will often engage in relationships where others take advantage of them, overtly exploit and use them. For instance, a successful entrepreneur may use their status, connections, and overall success to help others. This may extend beyond their family and even beyond their acquaintances, and they may find themselves helping people they know nothing about. Whilst their perception may be that they are helping vulnerable and underprivileged others, they often—without realising it—end up in relationships where they are exploited, used, and objectified.

At times, it is not only the vulnerable narcissist who attempts to take care of others that may become the target of exploitation and being used as an object to gratify others' needs. Exploitation and objectification may run both ways. A caretaking narcissist may, completely unaware, be exploiting the very people they attempt to help because of the gains they acquire through that.

So, whilst narcissistic individuals are known for their objectification, exploitation, manipulation and deceit of others, they are also more prone to becoming involved in relationships where they are treated similarly.

Ales Zivkovic, MSc (TA Psych), CTA(P), PTSTA(P), Psychotherapist, Counsellor, Supervisor

Ales Zivkovic is a psychotherapist, counsellor, and clinical supervisor. He holds an MSc in Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy awarded by Middlesex University in London. He is also a Provisional Teaching and Supervising Transactional Analyst (PTSTA-P) and a Certified Transactional Analyst in the field of Psychotherapy (CTA-P). Ales gained extensive experience during his work with individuals and groups in the UK National Health Service (NHS) and his private psychotherapy, counselling, and clinical supervision practice in central London, UK. He was also a member of the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP). Ales works with individuals, couples, and groups. In clinical setting, he especially focuses on the treatment of issues of childhood trauma, personality disorders, and relationship issues. A large proportion of his practice involves online psychotherapy as he works with clients from all over the world. Ales developed a distinct psychotherapeutic approach called interpretive dynamic transactional analysis psychotherapy (IDTAP). More about Ales, as well as how to reach him, can be found here.

References:

Carlson, E. N., Vazire, S., & Oltmanns, T. F. (2011). You probably think this paper's about you: narcissists' perceptions of their personality and reputation. Journal of personality and social psychology, 101(1), 185–201. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023781

Renier, L. A., & Toma, C. (2022). I am a great open book: Narcissistic individuals feel transparent toward others. Personality and Individual Differences, 192, 1–6. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2022.111585