Midlife is often a time of involuntary metamorphosis. It can involve sobering up, facing life's reality, and experiencing loss and loneliness. The passage of time reveals life's finite nature, limitations of the future, unreachable dreams, and the need to let go of both conscious and unconscious fantasies. Many must accept the loss of their dreams and hopes simply because the remaining time no longer permits such aspirations. This is when we realise that what we thought we would accomplish will never be achieved. Thus, midlife can bring a sense of loss—not only of youth, life, and one’s past but also of the future that was dreamed of and will never come true. There is a need to come to terms with the loss of hope that such dreaming once allowed but no longer does. Midlife crises often come as a surprise. I don't recall anyone who battled their midlife demons in therapy expecting the crisis. In fact, it often affects those who least expect it. While this may seem paradoxical, individuals with pronounced narcissistic traits are the least likely to anticipate a midlife crisis but are also the ones most affected. Narcissists have a particular issue with aging (Gabbard in Montero et al., 2013). I have already written about midlife crises elsewhere and would like to focus here on how midlife can affect those with narcissistic personalities—those who tend to suffer most during these periods of life.
The Issue With Narcissism in Midlife
Narcissism does not blend well with midlife. In fact, narcissism and midlife can be a devastating combination. Narcissism often hinges on ideals such as youth, physical attraction, competence, intellectual superiority, and social status. As time passes, these attributes naturally erode, forcing narcissistically organised individuals to confront the reality of their limitations. Since their self-esteem and identity heavily rely on these idealised self-perceptions, the decline of these perceptions can be particularly devastating. For instance, a person who, in their thirties, derived most of their identity and self-worth from career success may struggle to do so in their forties. This struggle may lead to a deterioration of self-esteem, exposing an internal sense of unworthiness, impotence, and emptiness.
Jaques (1965), in his seminal work on the midlife crisis, indicated some prevalent escapist strategies against the difficult feelings associated with losing one's identification with an internal ideal. He mentioned concerns over health and appearance, sexual promiscuity as an attempt to stay connected to youth, and the experience of emptiness and lack of fulfilment in life. Despite the immense shift in societal values, these escapist strategies remain as relevant today as they were then.
Narcissistic individuals typically seek therapy later in life, often prompted by a midlife crisis. This is because they tend to thrive in their youth, with traits like the need for admiration, validation, uniqueness, and the drive for success and social recognition usually being more socially acceptable—even admirable—thus remaining under the radar of potential pathology.
The timing of seeking therapy also depends on the type of narcissism. Those who are more dependent and face issues growing up and maturing may seek therapy when they realise their lifestyle and relationships are unsuitable for their stage of life. This usually occurs in their mid- to late thirties when a person realises that the way they lead their life no longer aligns with their age. As such, they often find themselves socially and romantically isolated as they are naturally shed by their social circles.
Others, focused on being recognised as performers and obsessed with their career, professional, or social status, may seek therapy as their abilities decline and their youth visibly fades, typically between their mid-forties and mid-fifties. They may find themselves less professionally and socially impactful, which affects their sense of self-worth and may induce feelings of impotency, powerlessness, deterioration, loneliness and mediocrity.
Why does midlife threaten narcissism?
Narcissism centres on an internal, often unconscious, perception of inadequacy, weakness, shame, and emptiness. Life frequently seems mediocre, boring, meaningless, purposeless, and nihilistic. To escape these feelings, narcissists seek validation, social recognition, and admiration from others. They often obsess over youth, power, and uniqueness. They may satisfy their narcissistic needs by pursuing careers that offer admiration and social respect or, in early adulthood, by engaging in overt socialising, risky behaviour, continuous bodily gratification, sexual indulgence, thrill-seeking, drugs, and alcohol—anything to maintain a constant supply of stimulus.
Often, the context of a person's life in early adulthood allows a narcissist's pathological behaviour, such as seeking thrills, stimulus, and excitement, to blend with the normal development of a young adult. During this time, the narcissist's behaviour may be perceived as socially acceptable and appropriate. This is especially true for those with issues of infantility and dependency, who may be drawn to a life of freedom, escapism, hedonism, and excessive socialising, often at the expense of psychological maturation and meaningful relationships. Such individuals may find themselves in their mid or late thirties, or even forties, attempting to live as they did in their twenties. They might suddenly realise they are alone, while their friends have moved on—perhaps marrying, starting families, or adjusting their focus to match their level of maturity.
Often, individuals with narcissism may not even be aware they are experiencing a midlife crisis. They might attribute their depressive episodes, irritation, feelings of emptiness, unfulfillment, bitterness, and the need for change to their life circumstances. It is only in therapy that they may realise they are facing a severe midlife crisis, underpinned by the need to come to terms with what life is not, has never been, and will never be. Even then, they often try to use therapy to "learn" how to change their life context to meet their narcissistic needs, rather than accepting the limits of their life and coming to terms with them, accepting what is and grieving what is not.
Midlife often prompts reflection on one's life goals and how much life deviates from past dreams. Realisations of personal failings and the need to abandon dreams can lead to frantic attempts to achieve them (Freund & Ritter, 2009). This may manifest as panic-like states, where individuals act impulsively and make dramatic life changes on a whim. This is also why narcissistic individuals, when confronted with life's limitations at midlife, may seek therapy with a sense of urgency, coupled with feelings of futility and failure (Cohen & Junkers, 2006).
Realisations about one’s fantasies not coming true—and the sense of loss that brings—may often be completely unconscious. One might simply think: “This isn’t what I expected it to be.” The result can often manifest as unexplained symptoms of depression, subjective experience of emptiness or void, numbness, resignation, panic, anxiety, despair, feeling lost, confused, lonely, and hopeless about the direction life has taken.
The Experience of Loss and Loneliness
The midlife crisis fundamentally revolves around acknowledging reality and the disillusionment it evokes. This is the time to relinquish both conscious and unconscious fantasies. In the case of narcissism, this often means confronting the boredom, mediocrity, and pointlessness attributed not only to one's life but also to oneself once the prospect of reaching the fantasy is abandoned.
Midlife is a time to acknowledge one's powerlessness and failures. For instance, a person may need to look beyond their career success and recognise the damage it caused to their relationships—or vice versa. Midlife is inherently linked to loss—the loss of the past and the need to mourn the end of youth and the fleeting nature of life. However, most importantly, midlife is when one must primarily mourn the loss of the future they hoped for; the future that will never be and the dreams that must be abandoned forever.
Such loss also brings an experience of loneliness. As one becomes disconnected from their dreams and aspirations, which are internal perceptions of one’s ideal, this often feels like a sense of loneliness and being left to one’s own devices. These experiences are internal processes, and we should not explain them by external events or life context. An individual who realises, over time, that their dreams of a grandiose, all-fulfilling, perfect, calm, abundant, and free life will not come true may experience severe loneliness, even if their external life remains unchanged. Therefore, the experience of loneliness is subjective rather than contextual.
Because of that, while midlife is often experienced as a time of loss—both objective and subjective (Goldstein, 2005)—whether what we perceive as an objective loss is merely our perception or actually real often remains in question.
Consider two individuals: a woman in her forties, living as a career-driven individual propelled by her need for admiration, recognition, power, and importance, struggles to find a romantic partner. She may feel a sense of loss for the family she always desired but will never have, a dream she must mourn. In contrast, a wife of the same age may feel trapped in a codependent, loveless relationship. Feeling invisible, she yearns for freedom and true love—a life she's too afraid to choose, believing she's missed her last chance for a new beginning and the freedom it brings. Her experience is one of merely existing without truly living. For her, meeting her own needs and finding freedom is an internal longing, a shattered dream to mourn, and a loss to accept. Even if she decides to pursue a new life, the chance of achieving her dreams diminishes with each passing day.
It is not so much about the actual loss faced in midlife, but rather about the losses experienced through the destruction of those final fantasies that keep the hope of a better life alive.
Overcoming the Midlife Crisis
When does the midlife crisis end? To answer this question, it might be better to see how it ends. Gabbard said that midlife "begins when you start having trouble and it ends when you stop" (Montero et al., 2013, p. 93). This seems to imply that the end, similar to the start of a midlife crisis, might be induced by the mere passage of time. Whilst that may sometimes be the case, the question of how a midlife crisis ends remains.
As I detailed elsewhere, Berne (1966, 1972) linked the midlife crisis to childlike illusions that are unconscious and aimed at satisfying unmet childhood needs, which are rarely fully accessible to the individual's awareness.
Take, for instance, a young woman who grew up with a mother who only noticed her when her needs were met and a father who, while adoring her, only recognised her for her achievements. She may find herself in a romantic relationship where she feels unseen unless treated as an object of adoration. However, being treated as an object may lead her to experience rejection and a lack of emotional intimacy, never feeling truly loved. During midlife, the unconscious fantasy—a yearning—for authentic and real love may surface, experienced as a hunger for such love. This hunger, however, may never be satisfied, evoking grief, despair, resignation, and a sense of solitude.
In midlife, such unconscious fantasies may dissolve simply due to the passage of time. As one ages, dreams of a completely fulfilling life or an entirely gratifying relationship gradually fade, pushing individuals—especially those who are narcissistic—to accept the limitations of their pursuit of a perfect, fulfilling, exciting, and calm life. As Jaques (1965) stated, it is through the mature resignation of perfection and acceptance of imperfections—in oneself, others, and life—that one finds serenity. This serenity marks the end of the midlife crisis. Whether it is reached, and whether one needs help reaching it, is another question.
It is the imperfections in one's life that unconsciously lead to attempts at completely changing one's life during midlife. This is because the idea of a complete change keeps the fantasy of achieving a perfect life alive. However, a true resolution of such a crisis involves coming to terms with the limitations of further changing one's life. As time is limited, the options available often do not allow for a complete pivot in life or career path. A narcissist will find it hard to accept that, at some point, they cannot make substantial changes to their life—changes that would allow them to reach the perfection they dreamt of.
It is worth remembering, though, that living each day in the present can limit future potential. A lack of change today reduces the options available for change tomorrow. Realising this loss of future potential can cause pain, grief, depression, and panic during midlife, while accepting this loss brings a sense of freedom in the reality of one's current imperfect life.
Conclusion
Because narcissism involves defending oneself against imperfections, limitations, boredom, and mediocrity, it clashes with the nature of midlife, which pushes one to acknowledge these experiences. For a narcissistic individual, midlife can be surprising and hit hard. Life may seem pointless and empty, while their self-perception may be filled with failure, shame, and mediocrity. Some individuals defend against these feelings before they even reach consciousness. They may resort to escapism through sexual promiscuity, socialising, dramatic life changes, and other attempts to reclaim lost youth. Others might sink into depression, turning to drugs, alcohol, and other addictions. None of these are long-term solutions, as they merely cover the profound emptiness revealed by the passage of time and the loss of hope brought about by shattered dreams. For a proper resolution, the emptiness needs to be addressed; the loss of future mourned; and the life potential one always aspired to, relinquished. It involves acknowledging that the person one wanted to be is not who they are, and the life they desired is no longer attainable.
Ales Zivkovic, MSc (TA Psych), CTA(P), PTSTA(P), Psychotherapist, Counsellor, Supervisor
Ales Zivkovic is a psychotherapist, counsellor, and clinical supervisor. He holds an MSc in Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy awarded by Middlesex University in London, UK. He is also a Provisional Teaching and Supervising Transactional Analyst (PTSTA-P) and a Certified Transactional Analyst in the field of Psychotherapy (CTA-P). Ales gained extensive experience during his work with individuals and groups in the UK National Health Service (NHS) and his private psychotherapy, counselling, and clinical supervision practice in central London, UK. He is also a full clinical member of the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP). Ales works with individuals, couples, and groups. In clinical setting, he especially focuses on the treatment of issues of childhood trauma, personality disorders, and relationship issues. A large proportion of his practice involves online psychotherapy as he works with clients from all over the world. Ales developed a distinct psychotherapeutic approach called interpretive dynamic transactional analysis psychotherapy (IDTAP). More about Ales, as well as how to reach him, can be found here.
References:
Berne, E. (1966). Principles of group treatment. Grove Press.
Berne, E. (1972). What do you do after you say hello? The psychology of human destiny. Grove Press.
Cohen, N. A., & Junkers, G. (2006). On loneliness and the ageing process. In Is it Too Late? (1st ed., pp. 27–39). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780429476266-2
Freund, A. M., & Ritter, J. O. (2009). Midlife crisis: a debate. Gerontology, 55(5), 582–591. https://doi.org/10.1159/000227322
Goldstein, E. G. (2005). When the bubble bursts : clinical perspectives on midlife issues. Analytic Press.
Jaques, E. (1965). Death and the mid-life crisis. The International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 46(4), 502–514.
Montero, G. J., de Montero, A. M. C., & de Vogelfanger, L. S. (2013). Interview with Glen O. Gabbard (USA). In Updating Midlife (1st ed., pp. 93–102). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.1159/000227322
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