The impaired capacity for empathy and intimacy in close relationships is the main cause for the narcissist's difficulties with relationships. This not only goes for romantic relationships but relationships in general. The issues that a narcissist will have in romantic and sexual relationships will, however, tend to be complex.
Because a narcissist’s capacity for investment in love is either significantly impaired or non-existent, this may either results in an inability to sustain a long-lasting loving relationship (Gabbard & Crisp, 2018) or may result in a longterm relationship that is devoid of love, intimacy, sexuality and eroticism. Because of that, narcissists’ relationships may be characterised by infidelity, which serves their need to escape boredom, mediocrity, and emptiness, all of which they often experience within their romantic relationships. Infidelity is also a response to the narcissist’s inability to combine love and sexuality.
So, even when a narcissist can sustain a long-lasting relationship, such relationships are not based on love and emotional connection - they are often underpinned by codependency, emotional exploitation, control, and power play. Generally, narcissistic relationships are complex and, while some may reflect the dynamics described in this article, we need to resist the tendency to stereotype.
Infatuation and the Ideal Love
Because narcissistic individuals tend to project much of their internal worlds onto others, their romantic relationships tend to be a reflection of their internal worlds. Relationships will usually start with intense infatuation as the narcissist projects their internal perceptions of what the ideal loving partner should be like onto their new romantic partner. The narcissist will fall in love with their own ideal.
As these projections are over time challenged and confronted by reality, the narcissist will tend to experience disillusionment, disappointment, and resignation, ending up in rejecting their romantic partners (Gabbard & Crisp, 2018). It is only a matter of time that the cycle will repeat and the narcissist will endeavour on another search for an ideal partner and, with that, another failure and disillusionment. The fantasy that ideal love exists will keep them going.
The narcissist’s perception of the ideal love is usually infantile. They will tend to search for the all accepting other who idealises them, respects them, takes care of them, adores and validates them, and simultaneously does not engulf, suffocate, and entrap them.
Controlling Behaviour and Narcissistic Abuse
Because of the narcissist’s underlying unconscious fear of rejection and abandonment, they will tend to look for a partner that is not too independent because the partner's independence and autonomy may evoke the narcissist’s underlying insecurities, their lack of self-esteem, and their fear of rejection.
When the narcissist feels at a threat of abandonment, they will usually resort to practical, emotional, or financial control of their romantic partner, which may lead to so-called narcissistic abuse. This may involve manipulation, extortion, threats, and abuse to make sure their relationship is not threatened. Grandiose narcissists, for instance, will tend to exert control by being dominant and intrusive with their romantic partners.
Ogrodniczuk & Kealy (2013) made a poignant statement, saying that “narcissistic individuals are not necessarily identified by how they feel, but according to how they make others feel.” (p. 114). There are many aspects of narcissistic relationships where this is true but nowhere does it seem to be more evident than when it comes to the narcissist’s controlling behaviour.
Relationships Devoid of Love, Intimacy, and Sexuality
There are some narcissists that tend to have long-lasting romantic relationships despite their issues with intimacy. Ogrodniczuk & Kealy (2013) indicated coldness, social avoidance, and exploitability as the main interpersonal problems that, for instance, vulnerable narcissists have in their relationships. We can often see that with this subtype of narcissism, the individual may be quite clingy in there relationships, which is contrary to some other narcissistic presentations. They may be overly dependent and may therefore engage in codependent relationships. These individuals will tend to have few or no friendships or may have friendships that are not close and are based on mutual exploitation. Sometimes the only long-lasting relationships may be their professional relationships, which also tend to be underpinned by exploitation, manipulation, and objectification.
While some narcissists may have romantic relationships that are long-lasting, a closer look into the dynamics reveals that the long duration of the relationship is not underpinned by love and intimacy but rather by the narcissist’s fear of abandonment and their underlying dependency on others. Such relationships tend to be devoid of love and intimacy and are predominantly based on mutual support, exploitation, and convenience (Kernberg, 1995).
Because of their underlying dependency, these narcissists may go from one romantic relationship to another, without any ability to be alone for an extended period of time. Their romantic relationships tend to be characterised by a lack of emotional intimacy. Their partner will usually be treated as necessary evil and taken for granted.
Some of these narcissists tend to lack interest in sexual intimacy within their romantic relationships and may find no fulfilment or joy in sex. Within their romantic relationships, they may live a life of complete asexuality - perceiving themselves and their partners as objects during sex, enduring it solely for the purpose of fulfilling what they perceive as a 'duty'. Outside their romantic relationships, a life of infidelity and sexual impulsivity may starkly contrast with how a narcissist behaves within the relationship. Alternatively, their life may be entirely devoid of sexuality and eroticism, while all their emotional investment is projected onto achieving professional success.
The Narcissist’s Inability to Combine Love and Sex
Sex Destroys Love and Love Destroys Sex
Narcissists tend to use sex as a means for gratification of their narcissistic needs for validation and recognition. As such, their sexual encounters tend to be led by an experience of infatuation and seeing the other person as an ideal - identifying with that ideal through sexual activity.
As soon as the projections are challenged, for instance in long-lasting romantic relationships, and the other person can no longer be seen as an ideal - so, as an object of the narcissist’s need gratification - the narcissist will tend to lose interest in sex. Sex may then seem mediocre, boring, unfulfilling. It may have a connotation of being a routine or a chore (Diamond et al., 2022).
For a narcissist, sex destroys love and love destroys sex. A narcissistic individual will have difficulties combining sexual and erotic passion with a long-lasting and committed romantic relationship.
For them passion and eroticism do not mix with emotional intimacy. For this reason, the narcissistic individuals who may have long-lasting romantic relationships - such as high-functioning narcissists or those with less severe narcissistic pathology - will usually present with asexuality or other forms of sexual difficulties in their romantic relationships. They may, however, have no issue with sex outside their romantic relationships and may even engage in multiple sexual relationships.
Infidelity: An Escape From Boredom and Seeking the Ideal
Infidelity often represents the narcissist's attempt to seek validation and recognition outside their romantic relationships, as they perceive their relationship as boring, mediocre, trapping, engulfing, stale, and unfulfilling.
Without the excitement of infidelity, the boredom they project onto their romantic relationships confronts them with their internal sense of emptiness and mediocrity. Through infidelity, they also keep the fantasy of finding an ideal partner alive. Nevertheless, they may persevere in their romantic relationships, despite regarding them as unfulfilling, due to the fear of abandonment, isolation, and loneliness, which indicate their underlying dependency.
Narcissists' infidelity and parallel sexual relationships outside their marriage or long-lasting romantic relationship help them escape feelings of boredom, mediocrity, imprisonment, and entrapment within their romantic relationship. It may even defend them against depression.
The experience of boredome may evoke an experience of being dead or non-existent, so their infidelity may help them continue to feel alive as individuals. It also helps them retain a perception of 'not missing out' on other relationships (Diamond et al., 2022) and maintain a fantasy of 'the sky's the limit', meaning they can keep alive the hope and dream that there is a better life and a better relationship out there.
Infantility of the Narcissist’s Love
Some of the reasons for the lack of sexuality in the narcissist’s long-lasting romantic relationships can also be found in how they, mainly unconsciously, perceive love and intimacy. Narcissistic individuals will psychologically engage in love relationships not as adult and mature individuals who also perceive the other person as adult and mature.
They will rather engage in love relationships as relationships where they can meet their early unmet needs. This means that what they will tend to seek in their partner is love of a parent rather than love of a mature romantic partner. This kind of infantile love provides the narcissistic individual with a feeling of being taken care of, adored, recognised, and ‘seen’. As such, romantic relationships will have a flavour of infantility.
Because of that, sexuality, sexual passion, and eroticism may be perceived as threats to the relationship as they destroy its infantility and characterise the relationship as one between two separate, adult, and autonomous individuals who do not 'need' each other but rather 'want' each other.
Underneath the Lack of Empathy Is Pain and Suffering
To conclude, romantic relationships of a narcissist will highly reflect their internal world. Due to their poor sense of self, underlying lack of self-esteem, and internal experience of emptiness and boredom, their relationships will serve the purpose of managing these feelings and defending agains depression and an experience of meaninglessness. Narcissists tend to perceive their relationships as unfulfilling even when they are long-lasting and will usually look for gratification of their narcissistic needs elsewhere.
Such unempathetic and self-absorbed behaviour, where others are merely used as objects of the narcissist's need gratification while the feelings of their romantic partners are completely disregarded, may evoke in others strong feelings of disapproval, judgement, contempt and, at times, disgust. However, if we manage to step beyond these feelings, one can actually feel immense empathy and compassion for the narcissist's underlying suffering and pain - the suffering that leads them to act the way they do towards others.
Ales Zivkovic, MSc (TA Psych), CTA(P), PTSTA(P), Psychotherapist, Counsellor, Supervisor
Ales Zivkovic is a psychotherapist, counsellor, and clinical supervisor. He holds an MSc in Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy awarded by Middlesex University in London. He is also a Provisional Teaching and Supervising Transactional Analyst (PTSTA-P) and a Certified Transactional Analyst in the field of Psychotherapy (CTA-P). Ales gained extensive experience during his work with individuals and groups in the UK National Health Service (NHS) and his private psychotherapy, counselling, and clinical supervision practice in central London, UK. He was also a member of the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP). Ales works with individuals, couples, and groups. In clinical setting, he especially focuses on the treatment of issues of childhood trauma, personality disorders, and relationship issues. A large proportion of his practice involves online psychotherapy as he works with clients from all over the world. Ales developed a distinct psychotherapeutic approach called interpretive dynamic transactional analysis psychotherapy (IDTAP). More about Ales, as well as how to reach him, can be found here.
References:
Diamond, D., Yeomans, F. E., Stern, B. L., & Kernberg, O. F. (2022). Treating pathological narcissism with transference-focused psychotherapy. The Guilford Press.
Gabbard, G. O., & Crisp, H. (2018). Narcissism and its discontents : diagnostic dilemmas and treatment strategies with narcissistic patients (First edition.). American Psychiatric Association Publishing.
Kernberg, O. F. (1995). Love relations: Normality and pathology. Yale University Press.
Ogrodniczuk, J. S., & Kealy, D. (2013). Interpersonal problems of narcissistic patients. In J. S. Ogrodniczuk (Ed.), Understanding and treating pathological narcissism (pp. 113–127). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/14041-007
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