Couple therapy is a form of psychotherapy that focuses on exploring and repairing relationship issues. It is different from couple counselling, which directly addresses specific problems within the couple. Couple therapy delves into each member's individual conflicts and unconscious perceptions, examining how these affect the couple. By understanding each person's internal world, couple therapy can also address deeper psychological conflicts and promote personal growth.
The Difference Between Couple Therapy and Couple Counselling
While many therapists view couple therapy and couple counselling (sometimes referred to as relationship counselling) as synonyms, some differentiate between the two.
Therapists providing couple counselling or relationship counselling directly addresses the couple's presenting problems—for instance, issues with communication, conflicts, emotional intimacy, sexual difficulties, feeling disconnected from one's romantic partner, affairs and infidelity, marital problems, relationship breakups, or other relationship difficulties—and predominantly focus on how the couple can best manage these difficulties. As such, couple counselling will tend to have a more direct, proactive, and often behavioural approach.
Couple therapy delves into the deeper-rooted issues of each partner and assesses how these difficulties affect the romantic relationship. It explores each member's individual internal conflicts and unconscious perceptions of themselves, others, and their understanding of family, couplehood, or a romantic relationship. These internal perceptions typically remain outside of the couple's awareness and may only surface through how they interact with each other or with others as a couple. For instance, the couple's perception of the therapist often provides significant insights into how the couple relates with each other.
Couple therapy focuses on the contributions each member makes to the couple's dynamic and it typically assesses each individual's internal world. This makes it a powerful form of therapy for addressing and working through each individual's deep-rooted psychological conflicts. Therefore, couple therapy has the potential to not only alter the couple's dynamic but also foster personal growth. Indeed, through couple therapy, the change in the couple's dynamic stems from the internal change in each member, rather than a change pertaining directly to the couple as a unit, which is also what distinguishes couple therapy from relationship counselling.
Uncovering Unconscious Experiences and Patterns
The primary focus in couple therapy is typically on the unconscious experiences and patterns of interaction that underpin the couple's issues. By recognising these, the couple can better understand each other's contributions to the relationship and improve their capacity for intimacy.
An Example of an Unconscious Conflict Explored Through Couple Therapy
For instance, a couple may grapple with recurring conflicts that seem to follow the same pattern. One partner may feel under-appreciated, unseen, and unheard, believing they live solely for the relationship or family, while perceiving the other as constantly nagging and unappreciative of their efforts. The other partner, however, may have a contrasting experience. They might see their partner as overly occupied with work, neglecting the relationship. They may feel that their partner prioritises parents, siblings, or friends over their romantic bond, leading to insufficient involvement.
This type of interaction is quite commonly seen in clinical psychotherapy practice; however, it's important to note that it's not typically underpinned by the same unconscious internal conflicts. Each member of the couple brings their own past experiences, including childhood trauma, into their romantic relationship. Exploring these unique experiences will shed light on why the couple interacts as they do currently. Much of the couple's interaction is underpinned by their individual unconscious beliefs and experiences.
For instance, the aforementioned couple may learn through couple therapy that their recurring relationship difficulties stem from the same unconscious source. The partner who feels under-appreciated may realise that their perception of their partner is actually rooted in their own perception of themselves and others, a perspective shaped by their own childhood trauma. During their childhood, they might have unconsciously perceived one or both parents as critical, authoritative, and demanding, only showing interest when achievements were presented. This could have dismissed any authentic needs the individual had as a child, deeming them unimportant, irrelevant, and infantile. Furthermore, in adulthood, their choice of partner could also be influenced by this past, leading them to seek someone who is more critical and under-appreciative.
On the other hand, a partner who perceives their counterpart as uninvolved may carry a childhood experience of feeling neglected. They might have felt that their parents paid them little attention, provided insufficient support or guidance, and perhaps focused more on siblings or their own individual interests. They might have only been acknowledged for their accomplishments at school or in social settings, their perfection as a child, their obedience, or their good manners. Moreover, one or both parents might have prioritised their own needs over the child's or expected the child to cater to the parent's needs. This could have instilled a feeling of invisibility, an experience they carried into their adult life and romantic relationships. Such a childhood experience might have unconsciously led them to choose a partner who is aloof, withdrawn, avoidant, and lacks the capacity for intimacy.
Unconscious Conflicts Influence a Person's Choice of Romantic Partners
When a couple participates in couple therapy, they may discover that, contrary to their expectations, each partner's choice was influenced by their individual unconscious psychological conflicts. Surprisingly, they may have sought in their partner the very traits they most complain about.
For instance, a person in a relationship may feel confined, unable to enjoy their freedom or pursue their own interests. They may describe their life as stagnant, as if they're merely going through the motions while time slips away. Concurrently, they may perceive their partner as overly controlling, not providing them the space to express their individuality. This conflict can place a strain on the relationship.
But if we delve deeper into the couple's dynamics, we might uncover something surprising. It's possible that this individual, who greatly values independence and resents control, actually chose a partner displaying controlling behaviours. This partner might even have their own insecurities, which underpin such controlling behaviour.
Why would someone do this? It could be because deep down, this person equates control with investment and care. When their partner tries to control them, it feels like proof that they're committed and won't abandon or reject them. In a strange way, this control provides a sense of security amidst their underlying fear of being alone or unloved. This, however, only becomes available to consciousness after the couple engages in couple therapy.
This complex interplay of needs and fears can contribute to the challenging patterns in romantic relationships and stimulate the couple to seek couple therapy. It also underscores how our past experiences and emotional wounds shape our choices – sometimes leading us towards situations that seem contradictory on the surface but may actually be actively sought.
In conclusion, the intricate interplay of unconscious conflicts can intricately shape individuals' choices in romantic partners, highlighting the importance of self-awareness and couple therapy in unraveling hidden motivations and fostering healthier relationships.
Ales Zivkovic, MSc (TA Psych), CTA(P), PTSTA(P), Psychotherapist, Counsellor, Supervisor
Ales Zivkovic is a psychotherapist, counsellor, and clinical supervisor. He holds an MSc in Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy awarded by Middlesex University in London. He is also a Provisional Teaching and Supervising Transactional Analyst (PTSTA-P) and a Certified Transactional Analyst in the field of Psychotherapy (CTA-P). Ales gained extensive experience during his work with individuals and groups in the UK National Health Service (NHS) and his private psychotherapy, counselling, and clinical supervision practice in central London, UK. He was also a member of the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP). Ales works with individuals, couples, and groups. In clinical setting, he especially focuses on the treatment of issues of childhood trauma, personality disorders, and relationship issues. A large proportion of his practice involves online psychotherapy as he works with clients from all over the world. Ales developed a distinct psychotherapeutic approach called interpretive dynamic transactional analysis psychotherapy (IDTAP). More about Ales, as well as how to reach him, can be found here.
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