Codependency and the Dynamics of Codependent Relationships

Codependency is a controversial mental health concept more often used in colloquial rather than professional mental health settings. It is a complex and often misunderstood concept used to describe relationship dynamics underpinned by supporting dependency within the relationship. It is especially associated with the relational pattern whereby a dependent person relies on another—the codependent one—and where the codependent individual enables the unhealthy behaviour of the dependent individual.

The term originated in the setting of alcohol and drug addiction recovery and was used to describe romantic partners of those who struggled with drug and alcohol addiction and where their partner consciously or unconsciously enabled the partner’s destructive behaviours. This kind of enabling is most often accompanied by denial and considered as a sign of caring.

Codependency, however, is neither an official diagnosis nor commonly used in professional contexts. For instance, psychotherapists or psychologists who work with relationship issues, addiction, or dependency, and may encounter codependent relationships, typically do not use this term to describe or diagnose their clients or patients.

Unfortunately, the decades of the use of the term in colloquial settings resulted in the term morphing from a concept that described a particular relational dynamics between the ‘enabler’ and the ‘dependent’ into a term that is so widely used that one definition is no longer possible. Rather, any relationship characterised by dependency of one or both partners can be described as codependent.

Characteristics of Codependency

Even though the definition of codependency was initially narrow, describing unhealthy relationships where partners enabled destructive patterns of a person struggling with drug and alcohol addiction, codependency is not limited to such relationships.

The main feature of a codependent person is prioritising others' needs over their own, often to their own detriment. In various relationships, not limited to romantic ones, a codependent individual focuses on fulfilling others' needs while neglecting their own, sometimes unaware of their own needs. This dynamic stems from their lack of a coherent sense of self and identity.

When not acting as a saviour, caregiver, or people-pleaser, a codependent person may experience low self-esteem, purposelessness, unworthiness, or internal emptiness. These internal struggles drive them to care for others, causing them to 'lose themselves' in relationships. People struggling with codependency unconsciously seek relationships they can control to avoid abandonment. This often leads them to seek someone who is also struggling with dependency.

Forms of Codependent Relationships

Codependent relationship dynamics can take many forms. The following are only some of them:

• Abusive relationships: Many abusive relationships are grounded in psychological dependency, often present in one or both partners. In abusive relationships, codependency can manifest as the abused person taking on a caregiving role, which may involve practical tasks or, more commonly, attending to the abuser's psychological needs. This dynamic can lead to justifications and self-blame for the abuse. The victim's codependency often prevents them from breaking free from abusive relationships.

• Narcissistic relationships: Codependency is often observed in romantic partners of individuals exhibiting narcissistic personality characteristics. The partner of a narcissistic individual typically provides psychological support for the narcissist's inflated self-image. Since narcissism is rooted in unconscious personal insecurities, feelings of inadequacy, and susceptibility to shame, codependent partners of narcissistic individuals often shield the narcissist from experiencing these emotions. For example, a codependent partner may restrict their social interactions, limit their circle of friends, or withdraw from social and work engagements to prevent their narcissistic partner from feeling insecure or jealous.

• The carer: A codependent individual may take on the role of a caregiver, which forms the basis of their self-esteem, sense of self, and identity. For instance, a person who devotes their life to raising their children and tending to the emotional, professional, and practical needs of their partner, whilst feeling unfulfilled in the process. Codependent individuals often develop resentment for continually meeting others' needs as they experience others not doing the same for them. This resentment may be directed towards their romantic partners, children, or parents. Balancing their own needs with those of others can be a challenge, leading them to exhaust themselves. As they come to realise that their needs go consistently unmet, this resentment can transform into feelings of hopelessness, despair, and eventually depression.

• Substance abuse: Substance abuse can fuel codependent patterns, creating a cycle that is hard to break free from. Codependency and addiction often go hand in hand, with one feeding into the other in a destructive loop. The enabler-victim dynamic in codependent relationships can enable substance abuse to thrive, while addiction can deepen the codependent patterns.

• Blurred intergenerational boundaries: Codependency extends beyond romantic relationships and can also occur between a parent and their adult children. Unhealthy parent-child attachments can result in blurred intergenerational boundaries, with the parent depending on their adult children as well as the adult children depending on their parents. This dependence can result in the individual focusing on caring for the parent over their own relationships or family. Emotional reliance is also common, with a person being emotionally leaned on by their parent, creating a dependency bond to help the parent avoid feelings of abandonment, loneliness, or inadequacy. The codependent individual may experience this as being trapped, smothered, imprisoned, enslaved, or taken hostage in the relationship with their parent. Children of alcoholic parents are particularly susceptible to developing such relationships.

• Familial codependency and blurred intergenerational boundaries: Dysfunctional dynamics often characterise not only interpersonal relationships but entire families. For example, in families where fully capable adult siblings have their own romantic relationships or families, they may engage in mutual codependent behaviour with one or both of their parents. Siblings may end up taking care of the parent practically, emotionally, financially, even though the parent might be fully capable of self-care. Such situation can be driven also by the parent's self-victimisation, or mental or physical illness. At times one of the siblings may take up the role of the carer of the entire family. Codependent individuals that excessively focus on their family of origin may start neglecting their own families to support their psychologically dependent parents.

The Origins of Codependency

The development of codependency can be traced back to a person's childhood experiences and the relationships they formed with their parents. Individuals who experienced childhood trauma and developed an insecure adult attachment style are more likely to exhibit dependent personality characteristics, making them more susceptible to becoming codependent later in life.

Not all childhood trauma or adult attachment styles will inevitably lead to codependency. Childhood trauma can take various forms, including verbal or emotional abuse, as well as neglect.

Several developmental factors contribute to the development of codependency. Typically, individuals who are codependent experienced a lack of validation as children, often needing to conform to their parents' expectations. Parentification, or the so called role reversal between the parent and the child, is also a common contributor to the development of codependency. Their parents were often unhealthily dependent themselves and needed to be soothed in relation to their own abandonment fears. This will also involve relationships whereby one or both parents may have been abusive to the child, stimulating the child to disregard their own needs and attend to the needs of the abusive parent in the attempt to prevent the abuse.

It is worth noting that it is not uncommon for a person to have memories of a good and loving relationship with their parents during childhood. However, through psychotherapy, a different perspective may emerge. For example, the person may come to realise that what they interpreted as love was actually their parent being engulfing, overbearing, and suffocating, imposing hidden expectations for the child to fulfil the parent’s needs rather than the parent meeting the child's needs. These realisations can be challenging as they trigger feelings of guilt and confusion, which need to be addressed during the psychotherapeutic process.

Comorbid Symptoms of Codependency

Codependency, as any other form of dependency, is associated with various symptoms and comorbid mental health disorders. One of the most predominant symptoms is depression, which normally occurs when a codependent person is unable to attain a sense of worthiness through meeting the needs of others or when despair over ever having their own needs met arises. This may be a conscious or an unconscious experience.

Other symptoms may include anxiety, feelings of meaninglessness and purposelessness, mediocrity, a sense of emptiness, loneliness, or abandonment. Codependency is also linked to increased levels of somatic symptoms, encompassing various physical illnesses or physical symptoms. These symptoms are often an unconscious means for the codependent individual to seek care from others and thereby avoid an experience of abandonment. Additional co-occurring mental health conditions include eating disorders and personality disorders.

How is Codependency Different from Dependency?

There is often confusion about the difference between the concepts of codependency and dependency. Essentially, codependence is just one manifestation of dependency and is therefore rooted in dependency. Codependent individuals display excessive independence (Zivkovic, 2023) or pseudo self-sufficiency (Gabbard & Crisp-Han, 2016) as defences against their underlying dependency.

This means that they may act and see themselves as overly independent, believing they have no needs of their own and must care for others whom they view as incapable of living an adult life. This, however, is a way for the codependent individual to deny their own dependency and attribute it to others.

In reality, the codependent person is themselves dependent. This is why they take on the role of the caregiver and form codependent relationships with dependent individuals to shield themselves from loneliness, feelings of abandonment, and inadequacy.

I should clarify that when referring to dependency, I am specifically referring to excessive or pathological dependency. This type of dependency differs from its healthy counterpart as it stems from the individual's conscious or unconscious belief that they are incapable of leading an adult life. Pathological dependency also involves relying on others to compensate for deficiencies in one's own self-worth and sense of self.

Psychotherapy and the Treatment of Codependency

Psychotherapy of codependency will vary depending on the psychotherapeutic approach used. Typically, as codependency is a form of dependency, psychotherapy will generally concentrate on addressing the underlying dependency. However, this may not be the case with cognitive-behavioural treatments, which tend to target the thinking and behavioural patterns linked to codependency.

Particularly with therapeutic approaches that delve into the source of psychological distress, the focus of psychotherapy will be on addressing the underlying internal conflicts – the root cause of dependency rather than the behaviour of the codependent individual.

This involves addressing childhood trauma and its impact on the individual's identity and their relationships. However, when therapy centres on the underlying personality dynamics, it can be highly challenging for the individual as it may evoke pain and distress as the person becomes aware of past unmet needs and traumatic experiences. Such treatment of dependency is often linked to higher drop-out rates, as the individual may self-sabotage therapy to avoid the underlying pain.

Ales Zivkovic, MSc (TA Psych), CTA(P), PTSTA(P), Psychotherapist, Counsellor, Supervisor

Ales Zivkovic is a psychotherapist, counsellor, and clinical supervisor. He holds an MSc in Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy awarded by Middlesex University in London. He is also a Provisional Teaching and Supervising Transactional Analyst (PTSTA-P) and a Certified Transactional Analyst in the field of Psychotherapy (CTA-P). Ales gained extensive experience during his work with individuals and groups in the UK National Health Service (NHS) and his private psychotherapy, counselling, and clinical supervision practice in central London, UK. He was also a member of the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP). Ales works with individuals, couples, and groups. In clinical setting, he especially focuses on the treatment of issues of childhood trauma, personality disorders, and relationship issues. A large proportion of his practice involves online psychotherapy as he works with clients from all over the world. Ales developed a distinct psychotherapeutic approach called interpretive dynamic transactional analysis psychotherapy (IDTAP). More about Ales, as well as how to reach him, can be found here.

References:

Gabbard, G. O., & Crisp‐Han, H. (2016). The many faces of narcissism. World Psychiatry, 15(2), 115–116.

Zivkovic, A. (2023). Dependent Personality and Interpersonal Dependency: At the Intersection of Developmental, Identity and Interpersonal Aspects. British Journal of Psychotherapy, 39(1), 212–231. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjp.12802