A Life Without Relationships: The Dependency Paradox, Trauma, and Parentification

Alex was a single, independent, and successful businesswoman who had travelled the world as part of her expat career. She was a self-sufficient, high-performing perfectionist who excelled at her work. As a young professional, she exceeded the goals of her peers. However, due to her career's nature, she struggled to find a romantic partner who resonated with her lifestyle—or so she thought before entering therapy.

Childhood trauma, abuse, neglect, parentification, and parental dependency can lead to dependency in the child, which paradoxically cause excessive independence and a life without meaningful and intimate relationships. This creates a paradox where dependency manifests as its own negative image—a life without relationships.

The Dependency Paradox

When considering dependency and someone who may struggle with it, the immediate thought often leads to a person who is dependent on relationships or cannot bear being alone. They may enter codependent relationships, fear abandonment and rejection, have complex relationships with their family of origin, experience low self-esteem, feelings of powerlessness and impotence. They might also potentially suffer from some form of addiction or battle with an eating disorder.

Rarely, however, does one think of a person who has few or no relationships, is self-sufficient, excessively independent, appears strong and confident, tends to care for others, and seldom shows any need to rely on others. A person who tends not to engage in relationships, either willingly—because they do not feel the need—or ‘unintentionally’—because no one suits them, is rarely deemed dependent. Nonetheless, an individual leading a life as a single, independent professional may actually suffer from underlying dependency. Clinical experience often reveals that clients who seem resilient and self-sufficient are surprised by their high levels of dependency once they connect with their unconscious in psychotherapy.

How Does Dependency Underpin a Life Devoid of Relationships

Pathological dependency, which in adulthood manifests as excessive independence, adult avoidant attachment patterns, and a life devoid of significant relationships, is primarily associated with childhood trauma and parentification. Due to their overlapping nature, the boundaries between the two are often blurred. For instance, Lackie (1999) equated parentification and dissociation—the latter being a residue of childhood trauma and abuse—stating that these two concepts "are at least siblings and at times identical twins." (p. 143) However, distinct patterns can be attributed to each of them.

Childhood Trauma and the Inability to Cut Parental Ties

Childhood trauma, including neglect and abuse, often leads to the formation of avoidant attachment patterns, affecting how an individual engages in relationships in adult life and contributing to a lack of psychological intimacy. This process is accompanied by high levels of pathological dependency, which are not immediately visible to an untrained eye, such as a psychotherapist's, when an individual with relationship issues enters psychotherapy.

Take, for instance, an individual who, as a child, was a victim of punitive, sometimes sadistic, parenting by her parents, both of whom exhibited traits of pathological narcissism. As a child, she was beaten, ridiculed, and humiliated. She was parentified—taught to meet her mother's needs and care for her, and when she failed to do so, she faced punishment and shaming. When she showed sadness and overwhelm, she was immediately rejected and threatened, as her mother could not bear her feelings and would aggressively shut them down. As an adult, while she seemed open to a romantic relationship, she never felt optimistic about finding ‘the right partner’. When she would engage in a relationship, she would usually end up disappointed, as the men she got involved with were self-absorbed and tended to use her for their own needs. Even though she was excessively independent and lived a single, self-sufficient life, she maintained a toxic tie to her mother, who dictated much of her adult life, never allowing her to truly become free of her mother’s grip.

Parentification and the Destruction of Adult Relationships

Parentification refers to the role reversal between the child and the parent, which is predominantly psychological rather than purely practical. In this situation, the child must care for the parent's feelings, meet their emotional needs, soothe their anxieties and fears of abandonment, and comfort them when distressed.

Take, for instance, a young woman who, as a child—the youngest of three siblings—had to comfort her mother's fears of abandonment. She was treated as 'the mother's pearl' and, as such, someone who would never leave her mother. She needed to be perfect and highly intelligent to satisfy her father's narcissistic desire to bask in his daughter's glory. During conflicts between her parents, she was the one soothing her mother, comforting her when her father threatened to leave. The role of an ideal child who comforts her parents and mediates their conflicts accompanied her into adulthood, where she found herself incapable of engaging in adult relationships. Because her needs were never acknowledged growing up and were always replaced by her parents', she felt lost as an adult. She did not know what she wanted or liked and engaged in adult relationships like a child seeking safety rather than and adult striving for mature intimacy. Due to her inability to form mature intimate relationships, she often found herself uninteresting and ultimately rejected by romantic partners, ending up alone time after time while continuing to sustain a toxic relationship with her dependent mother.

The Love That Was Withheld Is the Love That Is Now Both Wanted and Feared

When a child experiences trauma, abuse, or parentification, where their needs are ignored and unmet, their initial yearning for the parent's love and recognition is suppressed and pushed out of awareness. It is better to not want to be loved than for the love to be withheld. It is better to not love than for the love to be rejected. Consequently, the child may deny their need for relationships and connection, carrying this wound into adulthood. Deep down, they still yearn to be seen, recognised, and loved, and for their love to have an impact. However, they disavow these needs, keeping them unconscious, while perceiving themselves as not needing anyone, with everyone else needing them.

So, the ‘relationshipless’ life is not due to a person failing to find intimacy and love. It stems from the fear of loving and being loved. It arises from the sadness and hurt of experiencing something they were deprived of as a child and the lack of control over losing it again in adulthood.

Ales Zivkovic, MSc (TA Psych), CTA(P), PTSTA(P), Psychotherapist, Counsellor, Supervisor

Ales Zivkovic is a psychotherapist, counsellor, and clinical supervisor. He holds an MSc in Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy awarded by Middlesex University in London, UK. He is also a Provisional Teaching and Supervising Transactional Analyst (PTSTA-P) and a Certified Transactional Analyst in the field of Psychotherapy (CTA-P). Ales gained extensive experience during his work with individuals and groups in the UK National Health Service (NHS) and his private psychotherapy, counselling, and clinical supervision practice in central London, UK. He was also a member of the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP). Ales works with individuals, couples, and groups. In clinical setting, he especially focuses on the treatment of issues of childhood trauma, personality disorders, and relationship issues. A large proportion of his practice involves online psychotherapy as he works with clients from all over the world. Ales developed a distinct psychotherapeutic approach called interpretive dynamic transactional analysis psychotherapy (IDTAP). More about Ales, as well as how to reach him, can be found here.

References:

Lackie, B. (1999). Trauma, Invisibility, and Loss: Multiple Metaphores of Parentification. In Chase, N. D. (Ed.). (1999). Burdened children: Theory, research, and treatment of parentification. (pp. 141-153) Sage Publications, Inc.